3 Weeks

Only 3 weeks left, or 21 days, or 504 hours, or 30,240 minutes, or 1,814,400 seconds... 1,814,399 seconds... 1,814,398 seconds... ok this could go on forever, well not forever, just three weeks.

Alright so I have realized a few things here in the final days of my college experience and for right now I will talk to you about commercials, and at least infomercials! So these commercials come in to my T.V. set around 4:13 A.M. when I am shoving taquitos into my mouth at an alarming rate and chugging Gatorade and water like it is my new life blood. So these infomercials almost always start out the same way, asking the question "are you totally incapable of doing a normal task like wiping your own ass?!" then here is the product for you! This question is asked during a time when a man would be sitting on a toilet with an expression like "this must be impossible for any person to do" all while covered in his own shit wondering how he got this way. Well jerk-off you got that way because you were wiping you ass with a goat and there was no way that could fail. So then comes the product that would be something like a machine. This machine then grabs the correct amount of toilet paper based on the weight you lost while crapping. It calculates this because there is a simple attachment that only takes hours to figure out how to get on the back of the toilet and uses a hand to do what any person could do and wipe your butt. This product is shown spinning around with lights all around it for the low low price that has 6.5 payments that are all 12.37... really simple. They go on to show examples of how happy people are after they have something do what they could do all along.

Overall I just don't like how stupid they make people out to be, we are not incapable of breaking an egg open or incapable of finding our phone in our bag because we are not dumb as rocks. They really do make me laugh but seriously when would you ever try to chop a tomato using a medieval mace, come on buddy that isn't going to work- of course you are going to get sprayed with juice. They will never stop producing these things and I will never stop watching them at all hours of the night and laughing my ass off... an ass that is not being wiped by a goat or man made machine for that matter.

So sorry that this is not a college update but I really wanted to talk about this really quickly. I am sure next time I'll say something about the new Gillette razor that hydrates your face as it shaves, by probably spraying your face with water.

21 days everyone, 21 days to have the most fun we ever will.

Well we are just not going to mention last week

So as you followers may have noticed... I have not said anything on this blog for a little over a week now. I have been a bad bad boy and I would like to change that... also wouldn't not mind going to a room with the lovely lady in the picture and no I did not know she was even holding a handkerchief.

So seriously I have not updated this thing at all and that is terrible because I know that everyone misses my funny stuff, lines, and the fact that they are closer to me when they are reading this blog than when we are coming very close to having sex on the Turtle dance floor. Thinking of that I am so very sure that people have had sex on the Turtle dance floor, whether is be by accident because of the crowd or because they have had one too many cheap drinks and just can't wait to get home, can't argue with the moment striking during "Don't Stop Believing". One of these girls will probably end up on 16 and Pregnant but may be a little too young if she was in turtle cause after all we know who Turtle lets in. I mean it is 16 and Pregnant not 14, pregnant, and drunk. Although a show like that, minus the poor morals, the fact that a 14 year old is pregnant, and the fact that the child would probably be a demon baby, would be probably fun to watch.

So now that that is over, last week was fun had a great time doing whatever I was doing. Looking forward to a good weekend of drinking in excess of course. I have determined that I tend to hit a wall full force, with my face, when drinking now. There does not seem to be much more of a tipsy level and I just seem to jump off and hit party time. This is probably because I try to consume 7 beers in an hour and my body does not have enough time to adjust to the crazy amounts of booze I just put into it.

I will seriously try and update more because I like to think I am an important person who really needs to get his voice out there because you need to be entertained. I could go on longer but I think starting tomorrow I will once again try to update about my day and life, because you care a lot. I will leave you with telling you what my plans are tonight. I plan on eating some food, watching some Glee, and getting ready for the fact that tomorrow night will be the start of my weekend and drinking time. Please do not make fun of me for Glee because I know that you would like it because you have a soul, anyone who doesn't like it probably does not have a soul, like the daemon baby... daemon baby does not like Glee...

22 days people live them up!

4 Weeks 5 Days - 4 weeks 3 Days

Sorry that I did not update on Saturday or Sunday but I will make up for it with a post that is almost as long as a Mario Party game!

4 Weeks 5 Days

So I guess I will have to tell you about Friday night, which was a lovely evening of old school video games, bottles of peach Andre and cheap MGD. I know, what more could any person ask for on a Friday night? Unless strippers are involved, totally different story. So has anyone ever heard of Mario Kart 64 flip cup? Yes, I know, you are very interested and are probably saying to yourself, or out loud to your computer screen, "how do you play that Dan?" Well let me tell you! You are playing with other people and at the start of the race when the little green (looks blue) light goes you can start drinking then flipping your first cup, once you have completed this task you may start going. After you finish you first lap you flip again, and then the same on the next one. Then after all cups are flipped it is a crazy drunk driving, banana peel throwing, shell dodging extravaganza. The drinking in excessive amounts makes it much harder to stay on track, especially on something like rainbow road, which is designed to give you a seizure and a heart attack, based on the colors and lack of walls. I am not saying that Mario Kart needs to be realistic, because what fun would that be? I am saying though that the demand for a track that really makes you want to hang yourself with the wonderfulness that is the N64 controller can't be too high.

After several rounds of Mario Kart, drinks, and frustrating flip cup action, there was the decision to play Mario Party. This always starts out the same way, with a general "that sounds awesome, I have about three days of time that I wouldn't mind killing!" reaction from those who may be participating. This of course is later looked over once everyone starts playing and realizes that they decided to play the 50 or what I think it should be referred to as, the 1,000,000 turn game. Not many games can keep you interested for several months at a time like that of Mario Party. You learn to fight past the fact that Shy Guy is a dick



and can't tell me weather it is A or B and just likes to toy with me and then cut the only rope that keeps me attached to the ship and away from being sent out to sea with nothing but two stupid red and white flags, or the blister in the middle of my palm about the size of a basketball from trying to light a bulb by rotating the joystick (a joystick that is for some reason made out of a plastic that just burns through any human skin at an alarming rate) so that boo doesn't get to me and I can earn ten coins that will probably be taken from me later in the game by Bowser and the fact that he too just likes to be an asshole. Other games that show to be frustrating around hours 53 and 54 of Mario Party are games like the fishing with the hand one. This games proves to be extra difficult because even with the softest of flicks I still manage to send the fishing glove about 6000 feet in the air and through one of the windows of Bowser's castle, ultimately ending up with no coins, bags of coins, or treasure chests. I love Mario Party for many reasons but I also end up finishing it at about 3 A.M. after starting it at around 2 in the afternoon and saying that I will never do that to myself again.

That was my Friday night and now we will take a trip to Saturday and Saturday night.

4 Weeks 4 Days

I woke up this morning feeling similar to that of P. Diddy. Brushed my teeth with a bottle of Jack and then... passed out from alcohol poisoning, vomited excessively, and realized that that was just a terrible idea. Just kidding, I just wanted to point out how God awful it would be to brush you teeth with an entire bottle of Jack (Bull shit you even left the house or could even stand that night Ke$ha,) although waking up and feeling like P. Diddy would probably be pretty cool.

So seriously, Saturday was a great time. I was part of a backyard wiffle golf tournament that included prizes of getting drunk to an insane degree. Was feeling fine at around three in the afternoon until that brick wall called alcohol showed up out of no where and decided that we were going to fight, needless to say the brick wall won and I found myself attempting to do a back flip on a trampoline. I don't even know if I could call it attempting so much as my coming very close to breaking my neck and producing a sound that probably sounded worse than if I had broken my neck.



The party then moved and it was knock out time, which now we have all gotten pretty good at so the most fun is to grab the cups that are no longer in play and see if we can get them stuck in the drywall at speeds in excess of Mach 1 (so far no, but certainly getting there.) More drinking results in more missing scenes so you will have to forgive me. The party moved once again and the night was pretty much over. After waiting what seemed like days for my cluck-u and watching at least 16 episodes of southpark I was able to get some nice drunk food and head for the bus so I could get home. Sleep was much deserved after completely dehydrating myself with about 12 hours of drinking. Only problem was the fact that I must have swallowed at least three maybe four sheets of sandpaper before going to bed because that is the only explanation for why I think I could have lit a match on the roof of my mouth with total ease. We have all had those mornings that it's almost impossible to move your tongue for fear that it will crumple like sand in your mouth. All you need is to drink about 4 gallons of water in a twenty minute period to maybe start peeing yellow instead of pure amber.

That is all for Saturday, here comes Sunday...

4 Weeks 3 Days

Sunday was softball time! Thank God we decided to play on a field where the bases are only 60 feet or so because last week playing on 90 foot bases we all probably just could have run a few ultra marathons that day and been at about the same amount of running. Softball went the same way it always does, with all of us coming off a night of drinking and making contact with the ball in hopes that someone in the outfield will just drop it and we can watch in aww how it missed knocking out one of their teeth by several millimeters.



This results in several more errors that sometimes allow a routine ground ball to turn into an inside the park home run with errors on 8,7,3,5,and 2 respectively. I hope to keep softball like this at all times and keep getting my sweat on, or from dehydration lack of sweat on.

Sunday was rather uneventful aside from softball and no I have finally made it to Monday (today) and you can stop reading very shortly and your risk of having your eyes fall out of your head will soon be over too.

Today was a trip to Annapolis for class which was totally pointless except for that the fact that because of it I saved the University of Maryland about 20 bucks from not being at work. I will get over it because after all I sit at the desk at get paid to do what you just read and paid to do the things you just read about.

Tonight will be a night of Beerfest watching and maybe having a few beers. I wish sometimes that I could do what those guys do but then I think about how close my life is to that already. Until next time (with a much shorter post)

4 weeks 3 days...

4 Weeks 6 Days

Here we are with 4 weeks and 6 days left and we already have a turtle entry which of course I know you could not be more excited about. To my amazement I did not spend every last cent I ever could have at turtle, probably do in part to the fact that cherry bombs were literally not thrown in my face and then unwillingly consumed by yours truly. The lack of thousands of cherry bombs really makes the difference on my wallet. Also, turtle has surprise... two dollar rails... which i had only one of because I had plenty of beers before taking part in the wonderful get sweaty, get mad, yell at people for not saying excuse me, dance like an ass, and talk about how there are only freshmen here besides us, moments at the bar. Turtle has also figured out that if you do not tell people the specials or write them anywhere that people will probably buy beer and spend much more than they ever should. It is going to be a sad day when I stop complaining about a three dollar beer and start complaining about the eight dollar bud light at the bars in the real world. Overall I had a great time last night from playing beerpong to bumping and grinding my nuts on my friends' butts and pelvis regions, cause that is the natural thing to do. There will be many many more turtle entries so don't worry guys, it won't end here.

So i woke up to my first Friday of this lovely blog to the wonderfulness of going to all you can eat sushi. I am guessing that when they see someone of my size come in they get a little worried that i will try to put them out of business. Also, being a poor college kid you better bet that my $12.50 will go for all it is worth and that they should be thankful that I didn't start taking chairs out of that place, or at least entire trays of sushi. The food was great but I felt really full after, but of course I had to indulge in some ritas and stuff my face further with custard and water ice. I mean come on guys I'm trying to watch my weight so I figure the burning of calories from putting the spoon into the cup and lifting the heavy, yet delicious, water ice and custard into my mouth will more then enough burn every single calorie that I have ever eaten in my entire college career.

After the eating had finished we decided to put boneless ribs in a slow cooker because there is no doubt that even after eating the pacific ocean's fish population in its entirety, we still are probably going to need to eat a full pig on a bun, with BBQ sauce. It was so crazy good (Kudos to Sarah!), like salivating right now good, even though i have probably had about 13 pounds of food today and I am still drooling.

So now comes the end of my post where I tell more about what I will do tonight, which pretty much has yet to be determined but is looking like a make-shift video games drinking game where I will probably all of a sudden hit a brick wall in the drunk factor and then become unable to function. Maybe tonight will be the night that my face actually does melt off from drinking. I will let you all know (I'm sure the suspense is killing you)! 4 weeks 6 days...

5 Weeks

Today is the first day of this blog and the start of my official countdown to graduation. I have come to the conclusion that I want to keep track of some of the events that happen in the final days here at Maryland and this was one fun way of doing it. I wish I could tell about the adventures we all had in the previous, three almost four, years but I feel as though the alcohol I have consumed (mostly at turtle) will not allow me to recall every event. The days of those drunken turtle nights, random parties or Thursday nights at L-Town that ended in throwing up in the bathroom, or on some nights that just ANY ROOM are coming to an end and I hope to have some more of those in these last five weeks to tell you all about. These might not be like the nights that end with 7th floor lounge throwing up in the garbage can, or on the bike racks outside of stamp, but I hope that I will at least have several more rough nights in these waning days, or at least someone will so I can tell you all about it.

Today was a very simple day filled with the normal waking up and thinking this could not possibly be my alarm telling me I have to wake up because my bedroom is about eight degrees outside of my warm and cozy covers and there is no way that any single person has ever been as comfortable as I am at this moment. But of course I had to get up to utter disappointment. After getting up and doing a quick thirty dollar Psych study because after all we have no money and those turtle nights and spicy chic-fil-a sandwiches don't come free (HOLY CRAP what if they did,) it was off to class for a quiz and then plain old lets pretend to pay attention while on my computer time! We all know this time where you have your laptop in class and you pick that perfect time (normally the beginning) in a small lecture hall to raise your hand say one thing of actual substance because you have been paying attention for those first thirty eight seconds, and then move on to looking at ESPN, Collegehumor, or look at every single picture of every single friend you know, might know, or think you might have a cousins friends boyfriends friend in common with on Facebook. This of course happened in each and every single class I had today and for that matter this semester.

Now I am at the place of my work and most likely yours too... Drum roll please... The Adele H. Stamp Student Union! This is going to be a typical day, with laptops, keys, letting people into rooms, maybe hearing stupid tour guides that think the dean of women from the 1920s named Adele is a man and the fact that they have no idea what the middle name is, probably Hank or something. I am also going to wait here and see if I can call the undergraduate physics department and then transfer Jane Hessing to herself to create an alternate world of just... Jane Hessing. Work will hopefully end as quickly as possible even with the lack of Learning to Fly or watching scores upon scores of south park episodes online. Once work is over it will be officially the weekend.

Tonight will be that of pre-gaming until I can't feel my face anymore because I do not, yep you guessed it, want to spend any money what-so-ever. This will of course result in me taking out a twenty, going to turtle, paying cover, and with that fifteen dollars left over buying my weight in cherry bombs after a round has been bought for me against my will. I guess I will have to return the favor, and then so will the other 13 people that participated who also probably did not want the cherry bomb in the first place. Ever since they changed it to that blood colored UV Vodka the Cherry Bombs have never been the same.

So I leave you here with the possibilities, strong possibilities, of a Ratsie's night and spending all the money that I told you I would not spend tonight, but hey at least tomorrow is pay day! 5 weeks to go...